Cancer...yep...40 sucks.

I was told by an astrologer 4 years ago that I would come into some health issues in May, but don't worry, you'll make it through and live a long life!  It looks like you will die with something from your lungs. Now what the hell do you do with that?  Well, I worried for the first year, then my Dad died in May, so I thought, okay that was my "bad thing." WRONG. He meant this MAY! Yes, this May, in fact the last freaking day in May, I get the call from my Doctor, oddly enough in another doctor's office, telling me that I got cancer. Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma.

So let's go back a bit and tell the whole story. It actually started I think a year to almost two years ago when I felt something was just "wrong." I remember telling my husband, I just don't feel right.  I didn't go to the doctor because it wasn't "bad enough."  I think it got worse when I turned 40 or maybe that's why I was having such a hard time with it because I knew something else was wrong. Hind sight is so clear. In November I started getting blurry vision again. I went to the eye doctor to find out I needed my glasses again and that a freckle showed up in the we corner of the back of my eye.  The freckle turns out to be nothing, but it did get my little worry meter up.

Finally in late February when it was getting really bad (sleeping was bad, crying over things, feeling withdrawn, getting upset easily, trouble concentrating, hair loss, not feeling energized after exercising, swollen tongue, swelling in legs) I decided to call an endocrinologist. I'm going to school so I know what these doctors do. I knew it had to be hormones, so I thought I would go straight to the source. Well, they don't operate like that. In fact, the front office lady said that I had to call my regular doctor to get blood work before they would even consider me. FINE! So I jumped through their hoops. I met a PA in my reacquainted Doctor's office, Melanie. I was all peachy ready to just say, hey, I'm feeling this way, have her say or it's stress, take it easy, here's some anxiety meds.....yada, yada, yada....  Yes, I've been through this before, I was prepared.  But she said, okay, (after hearing my long tale about the stress of being a mom of 3 almost teenage girls, having a husband that travels a lot, and studying to eventually do what she's doing...:-))  let's check you out. She looks right at me and asks me to smile. AND there it was a big O lumpy thyroid. I never noticed it before, but it showed off for her really good.  I wonder if it knew it was going to be chopped up into little pieces, if it would have been so bold that day?

She said, just to be sure let's take a sonogram of the thyroid just to make sure. I'm like okay, I'm game. Because NOTHING ever comes up for me on these tests. I'm ONLY 40, I've been healthy my whole life, I have an athletic heart ( I always hear because of my low resting heart rate). Shit, my dad smoked 60 years and not a lick of cancer nor my mom, so this ultrasound is a no brainer.

I get to the ultrasound place assume the position with my head laid back hanging off the pillow and the young tech begins massaging the magic wand over my neck. Then she starts to click. and click. and click some more...pretty soon I feel a short move then hear a click, move, click, click, click, move, click, click, click click, click, click, click. Now I know from having 3 kids that those clicks mean there is something being measured. The thyroid is only 4 cm big.  4 clicks. We had to be on 15 clicks by now. I look up at her and I ask, in my ever so sweet tone, so what are you measuring? She looks at me like a kid that just got caught steeling a cookie from the prize stash of cookies. All eyes puffed out and doesn't know what to say next.  THAT'S WHEN I GOT WORRIED. She hesitates, so desperately wanting someone to come rescue her when alas someone does, the mysterious woman in the room that was sitting at a desk pops up and says to me "We are measuring what the doctor told us to measure. We don't know what it is. You will get the report from your doctor in a couple of days."  You know that is the biggest line of BULLSHIT I have ever heard.  You DON'T know what you are measuring? WHATEVER LADY! I have a bridge in San Francisco I can sell you too....real cheap. This must come with me having just enough information to be dangerous.  Just knowing enough to become suspicious. Well, I got scared, so I got mean. I couldn't help it, I didn't like being kept in the dark. I now know why trapped animals go crazy, because I felt it.  I didn't say a WORD to those ladies. Even when they asked me questions. I was so mad. I guess that silence treatment gave me the control I so thought I was losing very quickly. I left the office thinking....something is very very wrong.

A few days feels like forever when you are waiting for results. Let me tell you. I actually tried to enjoy the longer days. But to no avail I was a nervous wreck. Then the phone call came, from the assistant. Which bugs me to NO END. I went to the Physician's assistant and then I get a call from an assistant to the assistant? Seriously? Note to self when you become PA: Return test results to your patients! It makes a difference.  So the nice medical assistant tries to read the notes and is butchering the words. "MULTI- NO-DUA-L GOITERS on left and Right margins. 4 on left 2 on right. Largest measuring 2.0 cm. smallest less than a mm think. Some solid, some cystic.  Thyroid is enlarged to 5 cm. "  "Melanie is going to run and anti-body test to check what is going on and those results should be back soon, your thyroid levels are all normal."  "If you have any questions, you can call the office."  click.

WHAT???! Multi-nodual goiters? Okay let's break this down. Multi - more than one...AHH that explains the clicking from the ultrasound tech.  Nodules...like bumps?  Goiters? wait, I thought only people in undeveloped, land based, poor people got those....isn't that what we learned in BIO202. How the heck could I have a goiter? I love salt. Always get the iodine stuff. How, what and When did I get this?

...to be continued...

One word...simplify

Happy 2013!!  I always get a bit anxious when a new year comes about. I figure...gosh I survived a WHOLE year and a BRAND new one is coming 12 long months. But this year, that anxiety was short lived as I feel more powerful now in taking charge of my life. My goal this year is to simplify. So many areas in my life can use this. My relationship with my family, my house, how I reason, how I volunteer! I will try hard this year not to complicate things. I also want to make time for this journal. I'm a strong believer that writing helps clear the soul.

First on the clean up list my photos. Next my computer files. Then the huge pile of frames left in my room that needs photos in it! We spent 12 hours on the bathroom linen closet and under the vanity and the closet. It looks beautiful.  I feel calm when I am in there now. I try to keep that one day at at time theory to not let my anxiety get the best of me. We'll see how it all pans out.

I do have to say that I am hopeful for this year. Hopeful that I will have a new attitude when dealing with the people closest to me. Trying not to get my feelings hurt. I mean seriously I have everything a girl should want. I just need to adjust the way I react to them.

I feel very random right now. Probably because I'm so excited to get started.

I'm going to enjoy the last few days I have of winter bliss and welcome in the new year.