So, here I am, writing a blog. Something I have always wanted to do and today, I'm doing it. Why do we wait so long to do things? Is it that perfect moment we hope to find between dropping the kids off at school, running an errand, making dinner, after work that we never...ever...find. I think that's why we have to just do it. Like Nike says, take life head on. So here I am, writing.
I have been 40 for 2 months, 2 weeks and 2 days and so far it isn't as bad as I thought. Although, I have made some changes to help me move forward. First of all I changed my mind. I made myself believe that the score is tied. We are still in the game and can't necessarily start from the beginning, but like in a tied game, the playing field is still even. I don't want to think that old age has won, or even has an edge. I wan't to believe that the young girl that is SCREAMING inside of me wanting to do "all these things" still has time to do them. So I'm not looking back. I'm looking forward. I'm DOING. I'm not regretting that I didn't do them when my body wasn't on the "falling-apart-bit-by-bit" route. I'm ignoring that that is even happening. Call it denial, but I refuse to let it stop me.
I have been going back to school now for...oh my...umm..since fall of 2009. When I decided I was fed up with my brain feeling like it was turning into stay-at-home-mommy-mush. I was supposed to go into teaching. Get my master's in elementary Education. But I fell in LOVE with Anatomy and Physiology. Truly, madly, deeply. The body is so fascinating. How we KNOW what we know is so fascinating. I want to learn all about it. So here I am 3 years later, still taking pre-requisites. At first I went big, I'm going to become a P.A., then I wimped out, so I settled for nursing. THEN I turned 40. I had doubts. I had a talk with my microbiology teacher, who is maybe a few years older than me, and he asked me why aren't you going up instead of lateral. Good question. Why AM I going for my bachelor's instead of my Masters? Because I'm scared. Scared of what? Failing? Succeeding? Doing something that no one in the family has ever done? We are all teachers. Not doctors. Nothing in the medical field...well except for my dear great Aunt. She was an LPN...and loved it. So do I have the stuff to become something - someone new? Why do I think nursing is settling? Because I can go higher? Because I will be disappointed with myself if I didn't try? ...I don't know. I wrestle with this in my head to be the person my ego says to be and who I am. I really envy the people that "have known all along" what they want to be when they grow up. I think to myself if a friend came to me with this sob story, what would you tell her? So, this is how I deal. I am going up. I am going for my masters. I'm going to apply to PA school. I'm going to take HARD 300 level courses, because if I don't take them what makes me think I'm going to do 500 level? duh. So another year of pre-req's. SO WHAT? right? It's not like I can turn back the clock, hit pause, do the classes and then hit un-pause so I am done before I'm 40. Too late. Get over it. Move forward.
So here I am moving forward...and writing about it. Because it's something that I have wanted to do and today is as good a day as any.
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